Every season in life has a purpose. Though people like to claim a certain season as their favourite, every season has their cons. For example, fall is beautiful because it’s not too cold, orange is omnipresent, pumpkin spice lattes are the new black, the breeze is refreshing, and Halloween costumes make a comeback… There’s so much to love about autumn, but if you contemplate it, it’s the most agonizing season of all four. The days become shorter and darker and the trees lose their leaves; The branches become naked, fleshless, and bony. Imagine if we lost all our hair, our skin, and slowly but surely, we become skeletons in the coming of winter… Wouldn’t that be scary? We’re about to start what we think is the hardest season, what with all the snow storms, ice, and freezing rain, all of which we endure without being covered.
Ironically, the majority of us think winter is horrible (particularly the Canadian winters), but I see it as the season of rebirth. You must die (like during fall) in order to become new again (winter). It’s like a second, third, or even a 56th baptism. It’s just as it was said in 2 Corinthians 5:17: “Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come.” To be born again is a struggle of its own. We become leafless trees, skeletons, or newborns, trying to figure out how to grow. And because it’s so cold moving forward, the sidewalks become slippery and scary, and because obstacles surprise us when we least expect, our growth takes time. We swim in the winter blues wondering who we should be, what we should do, and who we should love.
Then comes spring. I believe spring is worse than winter. As a matter of fact, when winter ends, and we’ve grown and gotten rid of our blue feelings, we can’t take a break, there is no reprieve, we must continue to grow. However, our growth looks a little prettier; Our hair grows back, our skin sees shape again, and the weather’s better. You finally see the glow at the end of the dead street. You’re getting close to knowing who you are, and who God wants you to be, what you should do and who you should love.
The thing is, we crave simple and perfect growth. But no one ever claimed that growth would be as perfectly curated as our Instagram feeds. Even our Lord Jesus Christ said that we will be persecuted for His sake. In fact, everyone who strives to live a godly life in Christ Jesus will be persecuted (2 Tim 3:12).
Therefore, during the first season of the year, our baptism automatically symbolizes our choice to be Christian. Spring is learning what is black and what is white, how to be Christ-like, what your talents are, and what your purpose is, and who to love.
This year, so far, I’ve discovered that I first and foremost should love God. In getting to know Him, in building a relationship with Him, I not only get to know myself, but also love myself. I find myself undergoing this every winter, for 2-3 years now, and it’s quite a challenging and exhausting thing to go through. It’s hard to admit that I don’t love myself, especially when I know that my Creator doesn’t make any mistakes. So why don’t I love myself as He does? The problem lies in the fact that I don’t understand what “love” is. I don’t know what it looks like. I don’t understand when people love me because I’ve always, deep inside, pushed love away, thinking I don’t deserve it. Since love is foreign to me, when it comes, I don’t know how to react, how to face it, or how to deal with it. “Should I take it?” I ask myself. “Am I allowed to have some it? What if I take it for granted later? I’ll ruin everything, so I better not even think of touching it…” All these questions run through my mind, and the more I think of love, of who I am, of where I should go, my heart trembles in fear. Maybe in fear of the unknown, or in fear of falling again and again and again, or in fear of overcoming the next stumbling block…
Because every time I fall, I’m surprised. How could have I done this? Although I shouldn’t be surprised as I am, after all, a sinner. But it seems as though every day I have to make at least one mistake. Oh how I loathe this! The thought of being imperfect is rooted in my pride and creeps in the dark like a nightmare. My heart beats faster and I beg my eyes and brain to fall asleep, so that I can escape this restless pain.
Why do I feel this way? Because of the verse in Matthew 5:48, “Therefore you shall be perfect, just as your Father in heaven is perfect.” Blame it on my upbringing, education, whatever you want, but I aspire for perfection. I want to be perfect and realizing that I’m not irritates me.
What’s funny is that I never actually understood what Christ meant by this verse. I simply had my own idea of perfection and assumed that it was also Christ’s. It’s only a couple of days ago that I realized that I never thought of uncovering the meaning behind this verse, or even ask about its context in church. I don’t even think I’ve ever even heard a sermon on it. Therefore, I did some research and found out that the word “perfect” in Greek means “mature” or “complete.” I had the wrong definition of “perfection” in mind. I had the more societal definition, not the spiritual one, so all my insecurities seemed little and became less of a burden when I understood what God means by “perfection.” Therefore, knowing this made me feel better, but I knew I had to be patient and accept the fact that growth in Christ is a lifetime process.
Nevertheless, the one discovery that truly hit me was this: “To love some men, that is, one own’s friends, and to hate others, is imperfection. Perfection is to love everyone. This is from The Explanation by Blessed Theophylact of The Holy Gospel According to St. Matthew. I realized that I couldn’t apply verse 48 on its own, I had to understand it in the context of verse 47. It says, “And if you greet your brethren only, what do you do more than others? Do not even the tax collectors do so?” All I need is to love myself in order to love others the way God loves us. Reading this verse felt like summer had finally arrived. I know who I should be, and what I should do, and who I should love, and at the moment, that is enough.
Maria Magdeleina is a Coptic Canadian born in Montreal. She’s been writing since the day she was taught to and her favourite things to write are poems, songs, and articles. She graduated from McGill University in Translation and now works as a translator and freelance writer. She also does photography and creates videos on the side. The photo used in this post was also courtesy of Maria Magdeleina.
