Settling Down and Starting a Family

When I first decided to write this article, I was excited to finally write about how hard it is to be a young female Copt facing the pressure of marriage expectations. However, as I began researching and interviewing, I realized this article is not so much where I vent about the pressure but more to explain why that pressure exists.  

I have interviewed 3 men in their late 20s to early 30s and 3 women in their early 20s and 2 women in their mid-20s. I was expecting to see a big difference in marriage expectations based on gender. However, I saw a greater difference based on where the individual grew up.  

For most of the interviewees who grew up in the United States, their parents didn’t bring up marriage until after college. Conversely, for those who grew up in Egypt, marriage is brought up a little earlier. Most of the remarks they hear come from friends and friends’ parents, whereas for the latter they come from immediate family members. In addition, the remarks and their consistency are targeted more towards those who have grown up in Egypt than those who have grown up abroad.  

To be honest, I was greatly disappointed by these results and I didn’t fully comprehend them until I went back to Egypt for a visit after 10 years of being almost isolated from it and completely accustomed to American and European cultures.  

I expected my family members to scold me about being in my mid 20’s and still single and independent, but they didn’t.  

Instead, they were more concerned about me getting lonely and being alone. And to my surprise, I understood their concern.  

In order to clear things up, I’ll compare how elders and youth think about marriage from what I have gathered from personal experience and some of the interviewees’ experiences:

Elders’ thought: A Family consists of parents, children, aunts, uncles, cousins, grandmothers and grandfathers.  

Youth’s thought: A Family consists of the friends we make abroad since our blood-related family is in another city or even another country. 

Elders’ thought: Young people need to focus on starting their career and then finding someone to be there for them to continue their journey alongside them. 

Youth’s thought: Young people should establish their career first before even thinking about finding someone. One of the men interviewed adds, “Everything we do is done for the sake of marriage from our majors to careers is all thought about what can make enough money to support a wife and family, where we live too is also done with that in mind”

Elders’ thought: Life is easier when you are independent and strong, but it’s even easier and much more pleasurable when you have someone taking care of you when you need it. 

Youth’s thought: Life demands independence and strength, and you will be miserable if you don’t possess those qualities  

Elders’ thought: Having children is to have joy in your life. 

Youth’s thought: Having children is a heavy and serious responsibility morally and financially. 

Elders’ thought: Getting married means not having to pay the bills and not facing  financial struggles alone. 

Youth’s thought: Getting married requires a lot of money. The wedding alone requires at least 5 years worth of savings.  

Elders’ thought: A young person, regardless of their gender, should be able to find and be responsible for finding a partner in their 20’s. 

Youth’s thought: It is really hard to find a good partner this early in our adulthood who would understand the mix of different cultures, our way of thinking and way of life we were had to get accustomed to. In addition, according to one of the girls interviewed, men in their 20’s are, most of the time, still too immature to settle down.  

As I compared all these ideas, I started to understand why the pressure of getting married exists in our culture. Our parents, family members and elders understand how life can be hard, and they don’t want us to go through it alone. They want to see us happy, to tire less, and to have peace and company.

On the other hand, moving to live abroad focuses more on the practicality and survival of life rather than finding peace.  

So, young Copts who grew up abroad are raised by parents who had to fight tooth and nail to survive.  

They probably understand the practicality of being alone and necessity to move and work long hours to construct a good life. For example, they understand how expensive it is to raise a child in the United States. They understand the fact that married couples might not be able to buy an apartment to get married in, like they have to in Egypt, and they understand that young couples would have to account for rent in their budget.  

After looking at all these factors, it makes sense why our immigrant Egyptian parents, who have lived abroad for a long period of time, are easier on their children when it comes to marriage expectations than their counterparts living in Egypt. 

But after understanding the reason behind these expectations in general, hopefully, the next time you come across an aunt or uncle telling you “hanefrah bekom emta,” or “Obalek,” you’ll be much better equipped to handle it.