No, You Can’t Wear That

It wasn’t too long ago when I received my first– audible– negative comment about my clothing.

Well, let’s get one thing straight. I wouldn’t be surprised to know there was a lot of talk about my ludicrous-looking clothing when I was in elementary and middle school .

Up until that point, I wasn’t too concerned with my outward appearance, and it quickly became obvious to me that my mom wasn’t either. But the stares from the docile, blonde beauties on the other side of the playground effectively delivered the message; I needed some new clothes.

However unfortunate my wardrobe may have been, I recently realized that the kids who deemed me an outcast aren’t really the problem. You see, those kids, with innocent intentions, expressed their distaste with my clothing choice not because of my size, not because of my body, not because of my skin, but rather because I really did look like a clown.The boy at desk seven who wore solid, horizontal stripes on plaid shorts was put under the same scrutiny.

 It wasn’t because I was a girl that they made a mockery of my outfits, but because I looked abnormal; I looked different.

 Now before we jump into this, don’t think I’m validating the actions of these children. I can’t count on my fingers and toes the number of times I came home crying to my mother while she tried to console me with koshari or feteer malak. I can by no means commend the actions of children who, most probably influenced by their parents, are willing and inclined to cold shoulder other children because of differences.

But the mistake that those children failed to make was ostracization on the basis of blatant sexism. And if kids, coined bullies, don’t go so far to make that mistake, how can we, as adults, take it into our own hands to negatively characterize young girls and women based on the fabric traced around their beautifully molded skin?

It’s with deep embarrassment and shame that I present this prevalent issue to you as one that goes unaddressed within the Coptic community.

A few years ago, I had the pleasure of experiencing infamous ‘tunt-shaming’ firsthand. During the Christmas liturgy, an individual came from behind me and whispered in my ear, “Your dress? It’s too short.” Of course, we as girls have become all too familiar with such comments, but up until that point, it had never happened to me, so the problem seemed but a distant, cultural, nearly facetious, tenant.

However, to my surprise, I turned to find that it was a towering, male figure that felt the need to make sure I shoulder the burden of my dress so unfit for me to wear. And so I realized that what began as older women condemning appearances of younger women, became a free-of-charge, completely open arena for anyone interested in making carnal assessments of women’s bodies.

And if the fact that we’re condoning such brutal evaluation of girls solely based upon their outward appearance doesn’t induce uneasiness in your heart, I’ll add that I’ve witnessed girls as young as six and seven publicly demeaned for their attire. In my first experience, I was fourteen years old which strikes many as remarkably young for such judgments, but I was more than double the age of other girls; I was in high school,they were in the first grade.

 I was fourteen when a man more than triple my age took it upon himself to assess the unsuitable amount of skin showing– meaning my knees and under– and what is more concerning than the comment is that there is no reproach among our congregation to such comments. What is more concerning than the lack of reproach is the audible approval from both men and women to such carnal comments. What is more concerning than the audible approval is the message we are conveying to young girls that it is okay for your body to be sexualized no matter how old you are. That it is okay for you to be put under the microscope. That it is okay for your body to be judged by the people around you because you are a woman. I think we must shift our focus from the apparel of young girls and address the unsettling fact that parishioners are habitually scoping the appropriateness of a woman’s clothing.

Unfortunately, we either tend to dismiss these comments or encourage them without taking the time to assess the magnitude of the seemingly harmless words. I have watched too many girls suffer from anorexia, bulimia, depression, self-deprecation, and negative body images to not be aware of the world’s callous cycle that the Coptic church has so cursorily perpetuated. We live in an image-obsessed age where your outward beauty– judged solely by society’s ‘Ten Commandments for the Perfect Woman’– defines your character and limits your potential.

 The church, supposedly a sanctuary and a safe space detached from the cares of this world, has now conformed to these norms and standards and has become a hub for unbridled judgment.

So, allow me to beg the question: what are we teaching our young women? We have made little to no effort within our respective Coptic communities to empower our women with body positivity and indoctrinate our entire community to reject the idea of holistically defining women by their outward appearances. We have more than conformed to a society that completely sexualizes the image of a woman and limits her definition to that of curves, edges, and corporeal flesh. I’ve read more than hundreds of articles written by indignant, vexed feminists harping on the detrimental construct of our society. Disheartened journalists harshly criticizing what we praise as a successful media. Broken mothers retelling the stories of their daughters that were caught in the suffocating vortex of our intoxicating, destructive norms.

But even “society”, in its most general sense, in its woven lattice of repulsiveness and double standards, attempts to empower women with campaigns like “Girls Can” by CoverGirl or “#LikeAGirl” by Always or Global Vogue.

So I’d be frightened to see what the indignant, vexed feminists or the disheartened journalists or the broken mothers would have to say about the Coptic community. We, collectively, have taken nearly no initiative to ensure that our sisters and mothers are secure in entering the gates of the church as complete human beings judged only for the radiance of their soul and the beauty of their hearts.

It’s this idea that anyone can assess your appearance by virtue of what they think is modest.

This is underlying self-righteousness that exists when we think we can evaluate another’s modesty and level of appropriateness. The Coptic church takes pride in its isolation from the world and its earthly standards, and in accordance, rather than objectifying women by completely exposing their flesh, we take a more subtle approach. We decide that we must enforce modesty in its most subjective form not realizing that in doing so we are undertaking the world’s endeavors. You are still objectifying a woman if you go insofar as to make that carnal assessment in the first place, and here lies the fundamental misunderstanding within the Church:we believe that by polarizing the ways of the world, we achieve a completely different outcome. We must realize that taking different actions with the same intent is still abhorrent and morally reprehensible.

We must refrain from earthly judgment and refuse to conform to the ways of the world; we must be rooted in our faith and remain a church founded in the words of Christ. For when Christ wanted a King for the Israelites, He specifically instructed Samuel not to look on his appearance or the height of his stature for the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart (from 1 Samuel 16).

And again, when Christ gave the Sermon on the Mount, He blessed the pure in heart and went so far to say that they are the ones who will see God. And was it not Jesus Christ who condemned the Pharisees saying to them, “Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are liked whitewashed tombs, which outwardly appear beautiful, but within are full of dead people’s bones and pall uncleanness.” (from Matthew 23). And Jesus’s beloved disciple John couldn’t have made it clearer when inspired by the Holy Spirit to instruct us to refrain from judging by appearances. (from [the Gospel of] John 7).

 Thus, my fellow Copts, may we not be like-minded but Christ-minded that we see not as man sees, but that we examine the heart and the soul and the mind. Let us empower one another rather than subject each other to unwarranted, extensive perusal.

We must bear in mind that admonishing one another in love excludes judgments deduced solely from the eye’s appeal. We must build each other up in Christ rather than tear each other down according to the unreasonable standards of the world.

Coming together as a unified Coptic community to combat such a systemic issue is crucial to solving it. We must take measures to empower our men and women in the church by catering to their needs and addressing their respective issues. Taking initiatives as simple as starting the conversation to allow women’s voices to be heard or taking the time in Sunday school to address topical issues is one step in the right direction.

 But most importantly, do not keep silent in the face of injustice. Your most potent weapon is your invaluable voice: keep your hearts not silent.