When I think about the Coptic Church, I think of a church revered for its rich history, its apostolic influence, and the many, many stories of martyrs and the power of their faith. Fasting and prayer are believed to have literally moved mountains. Believers find their worth, sustenance, and hope in their faith.

God is the cornerstone of our lives, and prayer is the means through this connection.

Believers pray to thank God, to ask for guidance, forgiveness, and direction in their lives. And of course, they pray for the alleviation of their suffering.

We can be so concerned about the cleanliness of the exterior of the cup, and disregard the filth inside.

But what happens when the pain is all too much? Too deeply entrenched, all consuming, preventing them from functioning in their life? Or even on a smaller scale, what if they see a pattern in their life, a recurring sin for instance, or struggles in interpersonal relationships, that keep coming up and finding no resolution?

Counseling, although a viable option, isn’t readily sought out. On the one hand, there is shame: shame for struggling, shame for asking for help, and shame for believing that if one turns to counseling, one’s faith in God isn’t strong enough.

On the other hand, there is simply a lack of understanding, a lack of experience exploring the emotional terrains of one’s inner world, and rampant false beliefs about what that means.

Shame is the product of a fallen world.

Shame is defined as “a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior.” Taking this definition a step further, it can be expanded to the belief that something is wrong with one’s self: that they themselves are flawed, inferior, or unworthy in some way.

If I have a (false) belief that I’m struggling with something that makes me “less than” in some way, I’ll keep my struggles hidden.

When we think about this in the context of the Coptic Church, a religious subset within the larger Middle Eastern world, a collectivist community that prides itself on the honor of one’s family, one can understand the resistance.

God is at the top of the hierarchy, and directly underneath Him is family. So very often, the fear about speaking about one’s problems outside of the family is so strong, it prevents the seeking of help. If our shame is revealed, not only is there fear of personal disgrace, but there is so much fear around bringing shame to the family as well.

Fear is not limited to just family. Often times, counseling isn’t encouraged within church communities, which can be riddled with false beliefs that sound like “counseling is for crazy people,” or “you don’t need counseling, you just need Jesus.”

A friend of mine coined the term, “Pharaseutical churches,” implying that many times our churches operate the same way the Pharisees did in their synagogues. We can be so concerned about the cleanliness of the exterior of the cup, and disregard the filth inside.

When our churches are concerned with image, looking one’s best, being on one’s best behavior at all times, and aiming for wealth or success instead of internal peace, there is no room for error. People simply do not feel safe enough to express themselves authentically, to be vulnerable, and to acknowledge their sin and their shame.

Still, how do we understand shame in the context of Christianity? Shame, as I see it, is the product of a fallen world. It’s the product of being exiled from the Garden of Eden, our home. We simply were not meant to be here. And the struggle, the discomfort, and the pain we all universally feel is a testament to that. In a fallen world, there is brokenness, there is sin, and there is imperfection woven into everything we do.

Contrary to this, in the Garden of Eden, we were at perfect peace. Completely at ease with the land and with the other creatures.

“Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.” Genesis 2:25.

Following the consumption of the forbidden fruit, however, shame entered the world.

“Then the eyes of both of them were opened, and they knew that they were naked; and they sewed fig leaves together and made themselves loin coverings.” Genesis 3: 7

I’ve always found it ironic that growing up, our private parts were referred to as “3aib” in Arabic or “our shame,” and I can’t help but wonder if the tradition, in part, started from this Biblical passage.

Shame is therefore a universal feeling, a state experienced by all, and it’s something we not only battle against, but we battle to release.

Being a Christian and seeking counseling are not mutually exclusive.

In the Church, we move towards Truth. As believers, we seek to know God, to understand Him, and build a relationship with Him; through this, we can understand grace, love, and forgiveness.

Only through this relationship are we released from our shame. We believe that Jesus, in dying on the cross for us, bore that shame. He held it all for us.

Similarly, in counseling, we move towards discovering the truth, as ugly and disappointing as that can be at times. We are not salvaged through a relationship the same way of course, but we have to put pride aside, and humble ourselves to ask for help.

Invariably, there are barriers and there is resistance- on both a personal and a societal level- that need to be pushed through. Not only is there often times shame for speaking about personal issues outside the family, there is shame for speaking about family in general.

But these beliefs only fuel the shame, and contribute to stagnation. If one can operate from the idea that we are all fallible from the Fall-family included- and most “do the best with what we know,” we can push through the shame a little bit easier.